If you got this email already not via Substack, I am extremely sorry but something is seriously wrong with my computer and I blame government surveillance. I am trying to make a direct appeal and invite you to my show FLIGHT RISK this Thursday at Union Hall. This is my hour of standup that the authorities genuinely cannot find out about. So it’s up to YOU to find out what’s in the show, on 6/11 at 10PM. I sold it out in January here and in April in LA, so I’d love to do the same again — but if not, no worries at all.

You can get a ticket here and quite frankly I implore you to do so <3 I have incredible openers, Richie Raymond and Bini Yamin, and the Olivia Rodrigo album comes out at midnight after the show, so I may ask the venue to let us all stay and listen to it.

SEE YOU ALL THURSDAY I ASSUME! <3

I love the experience of being in the air. It’s the purest form of adderall we have. You have to sit in one place and you don’t have service (unless you pay), so therefore you have to read a book or finally finish watching The Politician on Netflix. However, earlier this year, something happened to me that has made me become very scared of the airport experience. I still feel completely at ease on planes, but I have now become so self-conscious at airports it ruins the entire experience.

I cannot divulge what happened to me in this email, but I can say, it is entirely my fault. I will be discussing in an exclusively analog form at my new stand-up hour(ish): Flight Risk. It is this Saturday, January 3rd at 7:30PM at Union Hall. It is the only safe space I have left to discuss the self-inflicted trauma I have endured at multiple airports in multiple countries. It would mean the world to me to see you there, and you will also be delighted by my fabulous openers Ava Whiteley and Jessie Lee. I extremely regret naming my show “Flight Risk” because now when you Google my name I am immediately labeled as such, a label that I have been running away from since 2008. If the show goes well, I will have no choice but to continue calling it this, possibly leading me to have to fly to perform this show, compounding the cycle of anxiety.

GET A TICKET

The show is this coming Friday April 18th at 7:30PM at THE BELL HOUSE. It’s called SORRY! and features a colossal lineup of comedians who will all be delivering rapid-fire apologies. It’s hosted by me and the incredible Rachel Coster, obviously, and we’ll have Elijah Kuhaupt playing live organ throughout the show. We’ve done the show before at Union Hall, and everyone was obsessed.

Here is the full lineup:

• Matt Albani

• Indigo Asim

• Megan Baniewicz

• Tessa Belle

• Michelle Chan Bennet

• Meg Bitchell

• Irina Chelidze

• Spencer Claus

• Alex Cohen

• Lizabanks Campagna

• Chandler Dean

• Jordan DeFilippo

• Marcella Denby

• Ash Diggs

• Maggie Crane

• Brooke Eliot

• Esther Fallick

• Danielle Clarke Fisher

• Charlie Flynn

• Bridget Foley

• Macy Gilliam

• Michelle Gold

• Sara Hennessey

• Lisa Heut

• Grace Johnson

• Tej Khanna

• John Lamb

• Shelby Latterman

• Evan Lazarus

• Karli Marulli

• Ana McCasland

• Tim Myer

• Michelladonna

• Riylan Mills

• Josh Nasser

• Allison O’Conor

• Maggie Olmsted

• Rachel Ordan

• Sophia Wilson Pelton

• Corey Popowski

• Richie Raymond

• Amelia Ritthaler

• Maya Sharma

• Harshil Shukla

• Jason Siegel

• Jilberto Soto

• Lilly Sparks

• Shenuque Tissera

• Dan Toomey

• Allie Viti

• Whitley Watson

• Jamie Linn Watson

• Franny Weed

• Rebecca Weiser

• Jer Wenick

• Sophie Zucker

• Charlie Sosnick

I promise this show will be fun and make you feel like your life is worth living. I am genuinely begging you to buy a ticket <3

BUY A TICKET RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO DO THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that you have watched this video of a straight 16-year-old screaming tenor, please get your ticket now to 30 minutes of comedy from a gay 27-year-old screaming tenor (sans tonsils, which I think actually has opened up my voice a lot…). Everyone always thinks I went to theater school, so I have decided to lump all of my best (don’t count on that) stand-up into one show on October 5th at 10 PM, and I am also going to sing because people forget I have a 7/10 voice. I don’t really know why I am doing this show, but I do know that it’s an act of hedonism that will require a full house. I have some amazing guests on the show to fill out the hour, including Alex Forrest, Emily Wirth, Tessa Belle, and the most perfect host imaginable for the evening, Jimmy Award nominee and University of Michigan alum, Esther Fallick.

TICKET LINK HERE <3

To counteract the depraved selfishness of doing a half-hour, I also want to encourage you to stream my best friend Toria Rainey’s outstanding debut EP, “You Would’ve Loved This,” and please get your tickets for Sophie Zucker’s return-from-Fringe show at the Bell House on 10/1.

LET ME BE UR RIDE OUT OF TOWN, XOXO

Few celebrities are as self-aware and self-congratulatory as Taylor Swift. Taylor loves to feign reluctance when agreeing that Red’s gutting Track 5, "All Too Well," is one of her best songs of all time. While she plays coy, regularly reminding us of her surprise that this song succeeded, she knows… all too well... why the world is still hung up on her epic still-hung-up anthem nearly ten years after its initial release. 

"All Too Well" is a five-and-a-half-minute beast that Ms. Swift rarely cuts for time in concert, for good reason. Despite already being a marathon (of tears, for me, personally), this slab of character assassination (all-but-confirmed to be written about Jake Gyllenhaal) was born out of frustrated ad-libbing in a studio session for Red. Taylor told Rolling Stone last year that her sound guy at the time handed her a CD "of that thing that you were doing in case you want it." For the past decade, Taylor has loved teasing "that thing," and its original 10-minute-long saunter. 

With the release of Red (Taylor's Version), our blonde-banged monarch gifted us three new versions of "All Too Well," including the long-rumored operetta and a short film directed and written by Pennsylvania's bard herself. While "All Too Well" is widely agreed upon as Taylor's best work, as the Recording Academy taught us the hard way in 2012 after Red's devastating Album of The Year loss, not everything can be a winner. 

This is where I come in, and please trust that you are in good hands. I was named “New York’s Leading Taylor Swift Scholar” by Vulture (no fact-checking necessary). As someone who shoehorned the phrase “casually cruel in the name of being honest” in a breakup of my own, I feel well-versed in the masterpiece that is “All Too Well.” Excuse me while I tear it all up. But how can we determine which performance of Taylor Nation’s national anthem is best? Please rise as we present the qualifiers for The Best Version of “All Too Well.” 

1. Vocal Performance (5 Points)

2. Emotionality (5 Points)

3. Head-Banging Bangs (5 Points)

4. Sob Solicitor (5 Points)

5. Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest (5 Points)

For a total of 25 points possible, let’s shine a refrigerator light on the many versions of “All Too Well.” 

Original Sc**ter Braun Sold All Too Well

Obviously, this is the version that launched a sea of tears, but it deserves the lowest ranking on this list for putting money in the pocket of a different multi-millionaire than Taylor Swift. There is no link attached, and I will award no points. Swifties are a loyal army that care about one thing: revenge. 

Vocal Performance: 0/5

Emotionality: 0/5

Head-Banging Bangs: 0/5

Sob Solicitor: 0/5

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 0/5

All Too Well, NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

Metaphorically speaking, some stars are just too big for a Tiny Desk, though Taylor does look distinctly tall in her gorgeous plaid-shirt-days outfit here. I am head over heels for Taylor’s objective lie that she does not Google herself and is blissfully unaware of major publications’ rankings of her music. Magnificent work! I buy your fiction as much as I buy that “betty” is not about Dianna Agron. While Taylor’s lead-in speech paves the perfect “getting lost upstate '' road before announcing to a cubicle of adoring fans that she’d sing her magnum opus, the actual performance leaves much to be desired. I would give Taylor both of my kidneys, but this is a perfect example of Taylor’s most aggravating singing habits. She breaks her own promise on the money note of “break me like a promise” and talk-sings through nearly every phrase ending. Points to NPR’s exquisitely tuned piano and Taylor for reclaiming public radio as HER domain after Terry Gross relentlessly thirsted after her aforementioned evil ex on Fresh Air. 

Vocal Performance: 1 / 5

Emotionality: 2 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 0 / 5

Sob Solicitor: 2 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 4 / 5

Total: 9/25

All Too Well, Reputation Stadium Tour 

Personally, I don’t really like guitars. Jack Antonoff is a sneaky little devil for convincing Lorde to use them on her similarly color-titled album, Yellow. Oh, sorry, it’s called Solar Power? Given his immense influence on Reputation, I blame Jack for this six-stringed rendition during Taylor’s goth-pop reptile rodeo tour. The guitar does, however, lend itself to some more traditional head-banging. Instrumentation aside, Taylor’s performances of “All Too Well” post-Joe Alwyn lack the same luster they did when she doubted love’s existence. The rage feels like a faint memory, but maybe that’s the lesson: she might seem okay, but she’s not fine at all. The beauty of a performance like this is Taylor’s persistent devotion to her fans and recognition of how impactful this song is for those of us whose hearts were stomped on recently. 

Vocal Performance: 3 / 5

Emotionality: 2 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 3 / 5

Sob Solicitor: 2 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 3 / 5

Total: 13(!!!)/25

All Too Well, # live from Chicago

Swifties are constantly chugging Red bull, and for this AT&T-sponsored concert in Chicago, Taylor waterfalled Mountain Dew: Code Red in their mouths. By priming the audience with her classic spiel about the surprise of the ATW’s runaway success, she welcomed shrieks more potent than the "OOOOH" on "I Knew You Were Trouble." The emotional peak of  "crumpled up piece of paper" empowered one brave soldier to sing louder than our Sergeant Alto herself. Taylor holds back laughter like Lindsay Lohan at Disney World through the performance. This glimpse of genuine levity in Taylor's Saddest Song likely helped AT&T bring millions more teens onto its network for an unlimited texting and talk plan. I also feel this is… the moment I knew… that Taylor overcame the battle of Gyllenhaal and recognized "All Too Well" as a War Memorial, recognizing the true universal power of her character-destroying words. 

Vocal Performance: 4 / 5

Emotionality: 3 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 1 / 5 

Sob Solicitor: 3 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 5 / 5 (this audience is all teen cops, surely)

Total: 16/25

All Too Well , 1989 World Tour

This late 1989 era performance reeks of late 1989 Taylor. She keeps the bedazzled piano (the same one that her fingers grace for her other masterpiece, the Enchanted/Wildest Dreams mashup) but dons a pre-reputation messy bang and an Edgar Allen Poe-y romper. This was Taylor’s only live performance in 2017 before Reputation’s November drop. She’s crystallized the sass of the piano-break-seated-head-whip. This performance (in a race track, no need to run the red there) has the most classic arena rock feel of any performance on this list, and I posit it’s Taylor’s best live vocal performance of “All Too Well” to date. The grunt on “too much” reminded me that Taylor is, first and foremost, a mammal. She holds back from no notes, and why should she? She met her future co-conspirator William Bowery only six months before this performance and doesn’t need a schlubby Nightcrawler. She’s free from the shackles of her heartbreak, evidenced by her campy pause after “walk home alone.” The Regina George-ian hair toss and Rachel Berry-esque finger wiggle before returning to the song are Taylor performing confidence in the most powerful way since the Fearless Tour chair throw. The best little racetrack in Texas’s audience was completely unaware that in 2017 Taylor was still grappling with these insecurities, but now about whether or not she deserves new love after repeated heartbreak. Naturally begging the question, is it cool that she called it a masterpiece? Is it chill that you tore it all up? 

Vocal Performance: 5 / 5

Emotionality: 2 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 5 / 5

Sob Solicitor: 2 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 4 / 5

Total: 18/25

All Too Well, The Short Film

If there was ever a moment that "All Too Well" made me laugh while crying, this is it. Congratulations to Taylor Alison Swift on your NYU undergraduate thesis film; it's… gorgeous! I will reserve any judgment on the musical qualities of the 10-minute version of "All Too Well" for later in this ranking (spoiler… oopsie!), but this SNL Digital Short without jokes ranks so high on this list for being so unapologetically Taylor. The detail of the age difference between Sadie Sink (Golden Globe nomination imminent) and Dylan O'Brien (an actor my brain betrayed me by forgetting until now) being precisely the age difference between Taylor Swift and Mr. Music deserves a Nobel Prize. I bestow Taylor the honor of bonafide college Spanish minor for opening her film with a Pablo Neruda quote. If she wants to compare notes for the South American Lit final 2016-me would welcome it. I feel conflicted by the book scene sandwiched between major verses because while I identified with our ginger ingenue, I also saw Dylan O'Gyllenhaal's point. Maybe she was asking for too much. Maybe I was asking for too much in my own relationship? Oh crap, did Taylor's film make me do some necessary self-reflection? Maybe Taylor sees how the narrative she's constructed about her ex has been one-sided, and this film is her chance to shed light on that. Did I cry when he apologized for dropping her hand (while dancing)? Maybe. Did I laugh harder than I ever have at a comedy show at the acapella assault of "AAAAAND I know it's long gone" transitioning us back into music video world? Of course. Points were deducted for Taylor perpetuating the harmful narrative that people own typewriters. Bonus points for Taylor in Emma Stone in La La Land cosplay donning a Red wig at the reading of "All Too Well (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault) (The Novel) (200 Page Version).” Don't be surprised when Taylor actually releases this, btw. 

Vocal Performance: 5 / 5

Emotionality: 5 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 0 / 5 (NO BANGS… NOT EVEN ON TAYLOR)

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 5 / 5 

Total: 20/25

All Too Well, Red Tour

Homefield advantage goes a long way. "All Too Well" was designed to be sung in a stadium, and its storytelling is far more powerful than the typical song for that venue (The Star-Spangled Banner). I would not put it past Taylor to open some sort of "All Too Well" museum someday, and this steampunk-y semi-translucent red piano, single candelabra, and spider-web-armed gown will be centerpieces. Taylor whips her hair an outrageous amount on the Red tour, and she deserves it! Arthur Miller, Tennessee Williams, and Eugene O'Neill combined could not reach the dramatic height of Taylor dimming the arena lights to pause, frown at a crowd of thousands who would leave all their belongings to her without question, and wipe a single tear. It has been said (by me) that Taylor Swift's fermata during "All Too Well" performances could take down a nation, and any aspiring coup leaders should consider playing this performance to enemies. The tears continue through the end of the song with cavernous echo and a choir of background vocals. For the reader: this is the first performance that I cried about while writing this article. Obvious bonus points. 

Vocal Performance: 3 / 5

Emotionality: 5 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 5 / 5 

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 4 / 5

Total: I’m feeling 22/25 

All Too Well (10-Minute Version), SNL

The only thing more unapologetically Taylor Swift than a short film written and directed by Taylor Swift based on a Taylor Swift song is Taylor Swift performing the source material for said short film live in front of a projection of her own short film. Are you lost? Me too. This performance is Swift Steroids between the All Too classic body-con jumpsuit, red lip, and Red guitar. I don’t mind the guitar in this performance because it seems to be just set decoration, given how freely she stops and starts playing. The lack of necessary strumming frees Taylor up for some of her most exceptional bang-banging and even hints of 1989-esque Taylor-ography. The points on “this thing,” the whips on the “oooh oooh'' background vocals, and the self-referential hand shrug on “late-night show” score huge points in my book. The periodic direct-to-camera stares remind us how deeply in control of the narrative Taylor is and how much she seeks to exclude anything out of her own control. Taylor made history as the first SNL host to ever write her monologue and surely sought to continue making history as the first to perform a decathlon of a song instead of the standard two. I found myself gasping for air at the selective acapella moments and quietly sobbing as fake-snow fell in front of projections fake-redhead-Taylor. The triad ending the performance will be inscribed in the Book of Taylor (née All Too Well: The Debut Novel) forever as one of her most breathtaking live performances. Despite my tears, this rendition feels more fueled by rage than any other performance in my research and disconnected from the original nostalgic devastation of the song. I rank this powerhouse of performance lower on my ranking because there just is All Too Much to process here. In the same way, I revisit the troubling “Look What You Made Me Do” music video as a work of art; I hope to do the same with this SNL performance. For now, I am finding myself buried in the layers of autumn leaves and snow. 

Vocal Performance: 4 / 5

Emotionality: 4 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 5 / 5 

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 5 / 5

Total: 23/25 

All Too Well (Sad Girl Autumn Version) (Recorded at Long Pond Studios)

Our self-aware duchess continued her never-ending streak of honoring her saddest song’s legacy by making it “even sadder.” As a noted guitar hater, this piano version tugged at my heart… keys. This Aaron Dessner-produced version gives us a glimpse into what Taylor Nation’s most treasured song would’ve sounded like if The National had produced it. I like to imagine Taylor pitting Aaron Dessner and Jack Antonoff against each other, SMASH-style. Jack Antonoff is obviously Ivy Lynn, hated in some circles of the internet, but a veteran interpreter of the songwriter’s work. Aaron Dessner is, by default, Karen Cartwright, hailing from the midwest, taking a ton of attention mid-season, and making unconventional but inspired choices. More on the Anthonoff interpretation later (SPOILERS!!!), but this Sad Girl Autumn version of “All Too Well” could gut a hollowed tree. It joins “New Years Day,” “Forever and Always (Piano Version),” and “State of Grace (Acoustic Version)” in Taylor’s collection of songs that feel intentionally violent to my emotional state. Her exasperated alto, often opting down for higher notes, helps the song feel lived in and present in its current state: a woman looking back on a devastating relationship nearly ten years later. The sparse, whispered tone brings a new emphasis to Taylor’s prose. It makes lyrics that have been listened to by billions feel like ripped from Taylor’s stolen diary (she obviously does not have a private diary, otherwise, she would not have released every song she’s ever written). Opposite from the Swift Night Live performance, this rendition stips “All Too Well” of any rage. While I am completely stunned by this version, I think the perfect “All Too Well” requires a bit of both. Bonus points to Taylor for not even trying with the title of this version and simply calling it (Sad Girl Autumn Version); after writing the best lyrics of a generation, Taylor deserves this moment of “go girl give us nothing.”

Vocal Performance: 4.5 / 5

Emotionality: 5 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 4 / 5

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 5 / 5

Total: 23.5/25

All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)

All that could and should have been said about the original recording of "All Too Well" applies here, but instead of Scooter-ing into the brilliant tragedy of Taylor's self-proclaimed best work, we drive in like a Maserati on an open road. The vivid storytelling and the deep intimacy with arena sound all propel me forward on my daily run (don't knock it until you try it, the BPM is enough for my slow pace) past Maggie Gyllenhaal's old Park Slope brownstone where the Scarf in question was left. She has since vacated the premises (I assume it's a nuclear biohazard now), but the ghost of Taylor's wounds still haunts it. Similar to how "Fifteen (Taylor's Version)" felt shockingly present coming from a singer double the track title's age, Taylor's ability to make a song about recollecting a not-so-distant pain feel immediately present, even after that pain is nearly tenured, makes it more sad, beautiful, and tragic. 

Vocal Performance: 5 / 5

Emotionality: 5 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 4.5 / 5 (my bangs while I jog)

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 4 / 5

Total: 23.5/25

All Too Well, 2014 Grammy Awards

When I told two friends that I highly considered putting this as my top performance of “All Too Well,” I was met with abject disgust. Stop being some hipster fogey, and let me defend my case. Taylor acknowledges the risk of performing a non-single at the Grammys, and I want to applaud her bravery. Full medleys at the Tony Awards rarely even get a full five minutes; kudos to Miss Americana for showing CBS who is boss (It was Les Moonves at the time of this performance.) I refuse to fact-check this, but Taylor obviously invented the camera framing of a singer at a grand piano on stage slowly revolving to reveal the audience at the moment of emotional impact. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga’s devastatingly sexual performance of “Shallow” at the 2019 Grammy Awards owe Taylor some cinematography credits. The typically subtle background vocals of “All Too Well” glisten and shine, making me cry out, “WHERE MY BACKGROUND SINGERS” at every other performance of this song I watch. We know this night was the distinct moment that caused Taylor to chop off her hair and transition to a “cohesive” pop princess, so this faux-Farrah Fawcett side bang moment deserves recognition. This is by far Taylor’s most impressive physical performance of “All Too Well.” She nails every knowing look at the audience, and gets a trap workout shimmying her shoulders on the famous “refrigerator light” chorus, leading into the most impressive piano head-bang in human history. Could Chopin have banged his head like that? Mozart certainly could not. While we’re at it, take any Oscars given to A Star Is Born (did it win any Academy Awards? Again, I refuse to fact-check) to Taylor Swift for delivering “casually cruel” in a brutally honest way. Credit where credit is due to the already-trampled-over time constraints of the Grammys for preventing Taylor from her usual opulent fermata before “but you keep my old scarf.” Sometimes you don’t need a dramatic pause when everything else about the performance fell down like pieces into place. 

Vocal Performance: 4 / 5

Emotionality: 5 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 5 / 5

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 5 / 5

Total: 24/25

All Too Well (10-Minute Version)

It didn't get lost in translation, nor was it too much! Taylor Swift's extended Version of "All Too Well" is a completely reimagined triumph that showcases every single one of her best instincts. Even if you groaned at the "fuck the patriarchy keychain" lyric, isn't it delicious to find out it's a fact that the white, Jewish Prince of Persia owned one? The lyrics are so searingly specific and deliciously petty (Taylor comes in swinging with "I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age") without compromising any integrity. Part of the fun of the Vault Songs comes from guessing the ratio between things directly from the secret cut track and new revisions. Whether or not the same Taylor that wrote "Stay, Stay, Stay" also used the word "maim" (a word I have for sure never heard until now), the unique opportunity to revisit, then tear apart her masterpiece and make it even more beautiful. It even reveals the meticulous and sociopathic plotting of Taylor's releases: I'm sure Taylor's trifecta of NBC late-night appearances has something to do with the equally hilarious and confusing "sipping coffee like you're on a late-night show" lyric. The pulsing chorus of background vocals that embolden live performances of "All Too Well'' seem to welcome the voices of heartbreak that the song has picked up over the past nine years while still maintaining it as an unflinchingly intimate portrait of Taylor's pain. Taylor's vocals feel cohesive (a triumph from Taylor's own criticism of Red) and swift-ly switch between a broken 21-year-old and a nearly maternal 31-year-old present-day cult leader imparting her wisdom. Jack Antonoff, I apologize for being mean to you earlier in this article. The lush, orchestral production of this version of "All Too Well" is my religion. We can abandon Judaism together and worship on the bimah of the subtle horns in the song’s nearly two-minute-long outro (It needed to be ten minutes… duh!). It makes the most distinct song on Red sound like the lovechild of folklore/evermore, or even more crucially, like a sign of what's to come from Camp Swift. The symphony of parentheses that is All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault) is peak Taylor Swift. If you think a 10-minute song is dumb, tell that to the woman clinically obsessed with songwriting that released a 20-track album in 2019 and two different full albums a year later. Throw away any indie hipster cynicism and let this crumpled-up piece of paper unfurl because what's inside will wreck you. 

Vocal Performance: 5 / 5

Emotionality: 5 / 5 

Head-Banging Bangs: 5 / 5

Sob Solicitor: 5 / 5 

Provide a warrant for Jake Gyllenhaal’s arrest: 5 / 5

Total: 25/25

EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CUTE - 1/27 at 10PM

I have promoted this show to this 60-person email list before, but this time imagine I am a DNC email from Nancy Pelosi, and I am desperate. Here is the first earnest alert: it is an unbelievable gift that my best friends are also the funniest people on this planet. Whenever we talk on the phone or text, I am being given a private show that you will never be privy to, sorry playa! I am so proud/anxious to be bringing our show to LA, where we are all equally rude/adorable. Brian Bahe and Caleb Hearon are our special guests this time which is actually perfect because they are (earnest) inspirations to me! Also, former Substacker Brittney Badduke is producing the show, so you have that LA surfer-girl seal of approval. If you live in LA, please come! It will be fun in a way you could never imagine unless you have seen us perform before, in which case, you definitely can imagine how fun it will be. If you don’t live in LA, but you have friends in LA, send them to our show! My dad will be in the audience so if that is a draw for you, let me know.

TICKETS!

SOPHIE SUCKS FACE - 2/1 at 7:30PM

Yet another show I’ve written about, yet another person I am so earnestly obsessed with. In many (few) ways, next week is my residency at Dynasty Typewriter starting with me guesting again on Lovett or Leave It again on the 26th, and finishing with the West Coast premiere of Sophie Sucks Face. Theatrely gave our little incest musical a rave review, and I couldn’t ask for a better endorsement. Sophie has RACHEL BLOOM literally opening for HER! Get a ticket before we embark on our world tour.

TICKETS!

THE HEART? SHE WHISTLES LIVE AUDIOBOOK RECORDING - 2/4 at 7PM

Every day I wake up and write in my gratitude journal, “thank god I have so many funny blonde women best friends.” In many ways, Allie was the first and the one I am most inseparable from (not to pit women against each other, but I do do that all the time). We are dusting off our old audiobook The Heart? She Whistles to present a second volume, fully improvised at BCC. This evening will guaranteed change your life as it is a self-help book, but also, as Allie and I have been wanting to do this for over a year and now are finally doing it. Chica Nation, Rise!

TICKETS!

COMEDIANS EARNESTLY SINGING MUSICAL THEATRE - 2/10 at 9:30PM

The event of the century is back. Ok wait, I feel so arrogant about the way I phrased that, but I should feel confident in how amazing this show was last year… Some of the best comedians I know are going to be belting (or head voice, chest voice, mixing, etc) their hearts out in less than one month. I am going to be singing a Jason Robert Brown song, but I won’t say which one because I haven’t decided. This year’s medley is going to reverse climate change. You have to come not because I am like desperate to sell tickets (I am! I love my life!) but because I think you need it for your… soul.

TICKETS!

OK, THAT’S ALL! SOMEDAY ALL MY SHOWS WON’T BE BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK!

THANKS! BYE!

So, here is another empty threat that maybe I will start using this more. But I prob won’t! Here’s what I always use this for though… show promo!

THE GAGA REPORT - 11/6 and 11/20 at 7PM at BCC

Allie Viti (if you subscribe to this you know who she is don’t be coy) and I are back on our playwriting bullshit. Remember when Lady Gaga told British Vogue she would’ve been a combat journalist if she wasn’t a pop star and also that when she was at the capitol to sing at Biden’s inauguration she was looking for clues? This play is about that. Allie and I play two of the last employees at the failing New York Times who receive Lady Gaga’s report on January 6th. If you hated The Newsroom and The Morning Show you will love this. This is a condensed workshop version of full long play that you will probably hear me talk about/see me promote/complain about a lot over the next few months. This is very much in development but if you subscribe to this, I probably value your opinion and would love to see you there and hear your thoughts on how Allie and I can expand this play about truth, justice, and integrity (it’s actually about none of those things FYI).

Tickets!

SOPHIE SUCKS FACE - 11/16-11/18 at Soho Playhouse

I sold my soul to an Oberlin grad from the Upper West Side, and I am not looking back. I love Sophie Zucker and if you spent even a fraction of the amount of time with her that I do, you would to. Her solo show Sophie Sucks Face is wonderful and I am so grateful to produce it. This is our third time doing the show and if you haven’t seen it yet, you have got to make it this time. It’s the most tasteful piece of content about incest I think ever. This is also not the last time you’ll hear about Sophie Sucks Face, but it’s also the kind of show that you can see over and over again and want more.

Tickets!

EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CUTE - 12/1 at Union Hall

Rachel Coster, Courtney O’Donnell and I are coming BACK swinging to Union Hall with our show of longer, louder, looser sets. This time the incredible Tej Khanna and Danielle Clarke Fisher are joining us. I can guarantee it’ll be a perfect evening. Rachel, Courtney, Danielle, and Tej are in the top .000001% of funniest people I know and you all already like me enough to get emails from me like this. Sorry to be dramatic but the last time we did this show it was the best night of my life so I am hoping this one can be as well!

See you next time I need to promote a show! Ily! Bye!

THIS THURSDAY AT 10PM AT UNION HALL TWO OF THE FUNNIEST GIRLS ALIVE (Courtney O’Donnell and Rachel Coster, obviously) AND I ARE PUTTING ON A SHOW. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DO LONG, LOUD SETS AND THE EVENING IS HOSTED BY THE INSANELY FUNNY RICHARD PEREZ. WE HAVE LESS THAN 20 TICKETS LEFT SO IF YOU WANT TO COME GET YOUR TICKET NOW!

Ok… that’s enough with the all-caps…

This Sunday at 7 PM at Allie Viti (wife, sister, roommate, chief collaborator, you get it) and I will be screening a film we made last year starring the remarkable Liz Cappuccino. I honestly never thought we’d finish it and I am so over-the-moon excited to show it to my friends and maybe a few strangers. We’re gonna do a talkback with some of the cast and crew after the screening with the incomparable Chris Murphy! It’s $5 at the door at Life World (149 12th St)!

Ok, thank you so much for bearing with me I hope to see you at SOME POINT within the next few days THANKS!

1. 22 TANGO: This Sunday 6/12 at 5:30PM, My duo show with subscriber Allie Viti returns to Union Hall. This show is officially a pregame to the Tony Awards, since it will be over before the Paramount+ festivities start. In fact, I turned down the chance to ATTEND the Tony Awards because of this show, so you have to understand how committed I am to it. We have an incredible lineup of duos that I am romantically invested in: Annabel and Sabina Meschke (listen to their Seek Treatment episode NOW), Ritam Mehta and Nabeel Chollampat (they have the absolute best Substack I subscribe to), Jamie Linn Watson and Chloe Troast (their MET Gala video will ruin your day in a good way), and Tim Kov and Andy Ward (hosts of the best mic in Brooklyn). Allie and I have been doing some iteration of this show since literally 2018, so it would mean the world if you came to support your 4-year-old that is going through an identity crisis.

   

2. Izzy Raye at Baby’s All Right: Next Wednesday June 15th at 7PM, I will be opening for my dear friend and air to the thrown Izzy Raye. Like a week ago, Izzy told me she booked this truly epic (is that okay to say) venue and I was like “how can I help you sell tickets?” and now suddenly I am opening for her and am doing a long stand-up set for it. I think the set will be around 20ish minutes but I am waiting for FDA approval. Izzy’s music is epic (is that okay to say) and you can expect the show to be a whole epic (is that okay to say) production and Izzy will be in an epic (is that okay to say) outfit.

3. Socialize: If you didn’t know, I’ve been hosting a monthly show at The Social in Prospect Heights with my multi-talented beautiful best friend/sister/mama Emma Jayne. EARNEST ALERT: This show means so much to me because it was born out of me crying at Brian & Jackie’s (owners of The Social) podcast As The Ice Cream Churns during the deep pandemic, and has grown into a wonderful community where I feel my absolute most comfortable performing. The show is produced by Lucy Wichmann (who I would give all my vital organs to without warning.) Emma’s music and (for lack of a better term) giggles are the antidote to everything bad in life and you’d be a loser to miss this monthly free show. Our June show (which will probably be June 30th… still figuring out the date… bear with us…) will be an all-Queer lineup for my least favorite holiday: Pride.

4. Sophie Sucks Face: On July 6th at 9:00PM, I will be producing another show at 54 Below that I am over-my-ass excited to be a part of. Sophie Sucks Face is an original solo musical by Sophie Zucker (who I’m sure I’m somehow biologically related to) and it’s the real deal. Witnessing Sophie craft this show is an honor and tickles every single part of my diseased-MT brain. Whether you saw the premiere at Life World in March or not, you definitely will want to see Sophie in a venue that Countess Luanne and Beth Leavel frequent.

Also if anyone knows how to get proof that I am turning 26 in 2 weeks to my employer so I can qualify for a major life event and get health insurance, let me know!

Ok I think that’s all I need from you. I want to say that another comedian sent out a newsletter as promo today and I was like “that’s a good idea” so thank you to him.

THANK YOU! PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE IF YOU WANT SINCE THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU ORIGINALLY BARGAINED FOR LOL

I think it’s safe to say I was ahead of the trend in quitting Substack. With all due respect, It’s become sort of gauche. (If you are a close friend of mine with a successful Substack publication, I take it all back).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if I was emailing to tell you I’d made some marvelous scientific discovery? I figured out why the sun is so hot (battery overheating)! I found the source of COVID (Jenna Bush Hager, obviously) ! I know what 9+3 equals (24)!

That’s not why I’m emailing you. You know why I am emailing you. It’s to plug an upcoming show. Sorry!!!!!!!!!

The show is with my best friend/roommate/love interest Allie Viti. Allie and I will be doing some characters old & new that are of course romantically involved. The show will feature all duo acts like William Banks & Caroline Yost, Maya Sharma & Justin Linville, James Azzaretti & Ibhan Kulkarni, and more!

I won’t keep you here long but I will tell you that the show is ONE WEEK from today at Union Hall! March 20th at 5:30 PM! If you come to this show, you can meet my dad because he will be there. One time my dad came to BU to see an improv show of mine, and my friend Brittney was able to spot him in the food court before meeting him because she thought “who else could this 5’4 man eating Panda Express alone in the George Sherman Union be?”

Btw, I know how to solve the war in Ukraine! I’ll save that for the next email though!!

I hope you see you next Sunday! Buy tickets now!

I thought I would use this space to promote an upcoming show because I am back in Arizona at my dad’s house, where I wrote two of the only editions of this newsletter. Something about last winter, the desert air, and the potency of my new Adderall prescription must have made me prolific for the first time in my life. I’m feeling intense deja vu from that time as I isolate in my dad’s backyard while I wait to receive another COVID negative test. This time, however, I’m traveling on the heels of an impressive EIGHT negative tests. My nostrils have never felt more violated.

Barring another lockdown, I wanted to let you know about a capital B Big show that my dear friend and Substack extraordinaire, Reid Pope, and I have coming up in the new year. We are so dumb and will not let go of our desire to become musical theater actors despite lacking the talent, resume, or BFAs that typically allow that type of unrealistic career. Comedy writing is obviously much easier. One month from today, we’ll be assembling our favorite comedians with similar delusions at the legendary venue, 54 Below, for a night of earnest musical theatre performances. There is no schtick to this show other than former musical theater devotees belting their hearts out (or head voicing, we’re graciously allowing both) in the former sex room of New York’s most famous closed club. (When I told my former therapist about this show, he told me how he lost his anal virginity in what is now 54 Below. Obviously, a selling point!) Please join us on January 20th at 9:45PM!

This show will feature completely earnest performances from Marcia Belsky (100 Tampons, The Tonight Show), Dylan Adler (NY Comedy Festival, Hulu), Taylor Garron (The Onion, Reductress), Dave Mizzoni (Gayme Show, Comedy Central), Chris Murphy (Vanity Fair, The Naked Boys Singing) Ellie Schnitt (Host of Taylor Talk on Spotify Greenroom), Sophie Zucker (Apple TV+, Ladies Who Ranch), Annabel & Sabina Meshke (Vulture), and Charlie Bardey (Comedy Central Digital, Caroline's on Broadway).

I am devilishly excited for a medley from six of my absolute favorite performers in New York: Jamie Linn Watson, Dee Luu, Chloe Troast, Esther Fallick, Tessa Albertson, and Rachel Coster. Think Jimmy Awards Medley meets Unified college auditions.

A previous (and way more complicated) iteration of this show was supposed to happen on June 20th, 2020, at Joe’s Pub, but the novel coronavirus (still feels really epic to call it that) canceled it. This night feels like all my favorite things about life in New York wrapped into one, and it would mean the WORLD to share it with the 60 people who signed up for this newsletter and expected to get something out of it.

Please feel free to use code COMEDIANS5 for a discounted ticket (suddenly, I’m an influencer. We get it). I know 54 Below’s pricing can be a bit steep, but so is Ubering literally anywhere in New York City. If you come to this show, I will offset the cost by joining you on a train ride home one night instead of Ubering (and then getting myself home alone after that.) Does that offer make sense? Feels like an altruistic offer to me. Bring your rich friends!

Here is the official ticket link: https://54below.com/events/comedians-earnestly-singing-musical-theatre/

I promise I will use this newsletter for something creative someday. I genuinely want to and take zero accountability for not doing it! Someone is holding me back but it isn’t me! Who knows if I will use the original format, but I’m sure I will be inspired to write something… one day. It will probably just be my final will and testament. Ok, wait, now I’m obsessed with the idea of someone releasing their will over Substack. (I assume this is how Logan Roy will do it in Season 11 of Succession).

Thanks, feel free to unsubscribe any time! ILY! Bye!

When I started this newsletter, someone immediately said to me “are you going to abandon it in a month?” and I am proud to say I lasted about two months. While I have toiled with strapping myself to a chair and going through rigorous olympic training to get myself to have the attention span to write these incredibly short and easy fake interviews, I am not here to do that right now.

Instead, I am here to frack this email list as promo for my new “audiobook.” The? Heart She Whistles, the newest book from acclaimed self-improvement experts and media dynamos Avé Westbrook and Maria Scott, comes to your ears in this exclusive audiobook edition. Please note this is not a podcast but an audiobook experience that will guide you on a journey to open your heart, and more importantly, your inner heart.

This “audiobook” is a project that Allie Viti (who I believe subscribes to this? Her birthday is tomorrow) and I have been “working on” for almost a year, and edited by Emma Jayne Seslowsky. If you care about me or Allie, or care about opening your heart to the tips of these genius women, then you will listen to our audiobook experience.

You can listen to the entire “audiobook” on here. You can also listen on Spotify, and soon on Apple Podcasts or wherever else you get your podcasts. But, I implore you to remember this is NOT a podcast, just an audiobook experience.

Please feel free to share The Heart? She Whistles with your friends because we acknowledge this could change their lives as well.

Don’t unsubscribe from this newsletter just yet, there’s a chance I’ll bring it back. I have a draft sitting in my Google Drive of an interview in which I repeatedly ask Eva Longoria about her experience as chair of the DNC. If I take just the right amount of Adderall, I think I can polish and send it out to you all (that rhymed… beautiful).

xoxo,

Maria Scott (Zach Schiffman)

A few weeks ago, I sat down with rising star Olivia Rodrigo. Our far-reaching conversation covered the NYC Mayoral Race, climate change, Taylor Swift, and so much more. She is a star whose international power we will feel for decades to come. 

ZS: Olivia! Such a huge fan!

OR: Thank you so much for having me, Zach!

ZS: So, you are having quite the month!

OR: You definitely could say that. It’s been a huge rush. 

ZS: Did you drive here?

OR: I did, yeah!

ZS: Wow, incredible that you drove all the way from California to Brooklyn to do this interview with me. So, gimme the goss.

OR: Look, I’m not trying to -

ZS: How hard was the driver’s test?

OR: Oh, um. It was a few months ago; you know that? I wrote this song like six months ago. But it was good! I mean, I had a lot of practice.

ZS: My mom wouldn’t practice with me. One time I was driving with her, and we got like a few minutes away from my house, and she was crying so hard that she made me get out of the car. She took over driving, and I had to walk home.

OR: Oh my god, is that true?

ZS: Yeah, it is. I’m a really bad driver. I really did not get enough practice before getting my license. 

OR: I’m… sorry?

ZS: It’s okay I live in New York now, so I rarely have to drive.

OR: I really love New York City.

ZS: Who will you be endorsing for mayor?

OR: What?

ZS: Who will you be endorsing for the New York City mayoral race?

OR: Oh, well. I’m not old enough to vote, and I don’t live in New York, so-

ZS: But you are really influential, I mean. I think people would love to hear who you are endorsing! You’re new to this whole press thing but political endorsements are standard fare for any interview. 

OR: Um, okay! Who’s running?

ZS: Andrew Yang, Brooklyn Borough President Eric Adams, NYC Comptroller Scott Stringer, former Citigroup executive Raymond McGuire, New School professor Maya Wiley and Guardian Angels founder Curtis Sliwa-

OR: Oh, my friend Cam is really a big supporter of Andrew Yang, so I would say him!

ZS: I know who your friend Cam is. We follow each other on Twitter. He’s the hottest March For Our Lives kid.

OR: You think?

ZS: Well, do you think? Fans sometimes think there’s something between you.

OR: No, there isn’t. He’s just a great friend.

ZS: Totally. Do you listen to all of your friends’ political endorsements? 

OR: I mean- I trust Andrew Yang. This is my opinion.

ZS: So you aren’t gonna do your research on any of the candidates before endorsing?

OR: I mean, you just told me to endorse someone.

ZS: I know but you should really be careful. Think of the headlines “CHART SMASHER OLIVIA RODRIGO SMASHES ENDORSEMENT OF ADOLF HITLER.”

OR: Wait, what? I did not endorse Hitler.

ZS: No, I know that but what IF you did? What if I told you to endorse Hitler?

OR: I am not going to endorse Hitler.

ZS: Well, of course not; he’s dead. But what about Duterte?

OR: I am not sure who that is. I’m so sorry, but I didn’t think this interview would be political?

ZS: I mean, this is standard pop-culture fare.

OR: Ok, so who is Duterte?

ZS: Well, he’s the president of the Philippines. 

OR: Oh- my dad is Filipino.

ZS: So, do you know who Duterte is?

OR: Oh, I think my dad has mentioned him. Isn’t he like fascist?

ZS: Some would say that, yes.

OR: Ok, so I am definitely against him.

ZS: You’re an anti-fascist?

OR: Yes. Now you’re gonna try to get me to say I’m Antifa, aren’t you?

ZS: No, that would be silly. Antifa isn’t real. 

OR: Right. Can we get back to talking about the song?

ZS: Totally. You used a sound from your mom’s car in the recording of the song? How was that?

OR: It was a super fun personal touch that really just makes the song feel like home. It’s really weird listening to my mom’s car noises on the radio from her car, you know?

ZS: Totally, very Christopher Nolan.

OR: Right.

ZS: What does your mom drive?

OR: I think it’s a Toyota RAV4?

ZS: So, not a hybrid?

OR: No, it’s an SUV. But, when I get my own car I’d definitely love to get a hybrid or an electric car. 

ZS: Interesting, so you’d say you are pro-Green New Deal?

OR: Oh totally. I went as AOC for Halloween.

ZS: So cute - once I went as a fern for Halloween, and everyone thought I went as weed, and I hadn’t even smoked weed at the time, and I was so embarrassed and thought I was going to get kicked out of school. 

OR: Oh, I’m so sorry. 

ZS: That’s okay - speaking of high school, can you tell my readers about what’s next for NiNi on High School Musical: The Musical: The Series?

OR: I can’t say a ton, but I can say she has a tough decision to make coming up! 

ZS: Whether or not to have an abortion?

OR: Oh, god, no. 

ZS: Are you not pro-choice?

OR: No, I am. But if you remember the cliffhanger of S1?

ZS: Why did you say “god, no?” You sound like Amy Coney Barrett.

OR: Wait, I seriously am not. I just- was caught off guard. 

ZS: Moving on- I mentioned it briefly. But this is your first real interview since the song’s release. Let’s talk about all the drama surrounding “drivers license.”

OR: I take a lot of inspiration from Taylor Swift, all of her music is real emotion but all of her music is not about a specific man.

ZS: Man? What about Dianna Agron?

OR: What?

ZS: Do you think Taylor Swift fucked Dianna Agron?

OR: I mean- she has every right to if she wants to, but I am not gonna comment-

ZS: So rude of me, it was the other way around. Dianna probably fucked Taylor. That’s what “Getaway Car” is about.

OR: I am not sure that’s true?

ZS: So the drama…

OR: I definitely have had experiences in my life that inspired “drivers license” but, no… it’s not a direct comment on a failed relationship. 

ZS: I’m not sure what you’re referring to.

OR: What? People think the song is about a man I used to date? Isn’t that what you’re talking about?

ZS: No- I’m talking about the upcoming drama that the song will bring on. About how you don’t drive a hybrid and don’t care about the environment. 

OR: Wait, what? I do care about the environment? I just said I did. Can we just keep my mom’s car brand out of this? 

ZS: How do you feel about Tesla?

OR: I think they create sick cars that are good for the earth? I don’t know.

ZS: What about how Tesla’s murdered an unidentifiable amount of former child star Jamie Lynn Spears’s cats?

OR: What the fuck?

ZS: This is a 100% true story. Jamie Lynn Spears blames Elon Musk for the death of “ — I don’t want to tell you how many cats” — because they don’t hear the Tesla rev up. 

OR: Oh my god- I didn’t know anything about that, but I am so sorry for her loss. I loved Zoey 101. 

ZS: Were you even alive when Zoey 101 was on?

OR: I was born in 2003. 

ZS: So, you weren’t alive for 9/11?

OR: No.

ZS: Interesting. Your songwriting ages you. “drivers license” definitely sounds like the story of someone who watched the towers go down. 

OR: Thank you?

ZS: That’s a huge compliment. Is that what caused some of the angst between you and Joshua Bassett.

OR: I’m not really interested in answering that question.

ZS: Totally, but I can imagine how those fights would play out. He’s driving you in his white car, and he’s telling you about what it was like to be alive for 9/11, and you are getting upset because you weren’t there. 

OR: That just isn’t true.

ZS: What isn’t? You’re saying 9/11 didn’t happen?

OR: What? No?

ZS: Wow, I knew Holocaust deniers existed but I guess now that there are people who were born after 2001 coming of age a whole wave of 9/11 deniers are coming. 

OR: Can you please stop?

ZS: Wow, you really are a wack job about this. I might be on Joshua’s side. Is that what his new song “Lie Lie Lie” is about? The fact that you think 9/11 is a lie?

OR: Can you please stop? I do not think 9/11 was a lie. This is really making me uncomfortable.

ZS: I mean Olivia- I remember it vividly. I was sitting in my kitchen with my au pair. She was watching the news coverage pour in, and I just wanted her to play with me. And she was just glued to the TV. 

OR: I am… sorry that happened?

ZS: Did you have any au pairs growing up?

OR: No, I did not.

ZS: Then who drove you around?

OR: My mom?

ZS: Weird. I think if I wrote “drivers license,” it would be a completely different song because I grew up with au pairs. 

OR: Okay…

ZS: Anyway, back to conspiracy theories. Joshua Bassett and Sabrina Carpenter have been on a blitz releasing songs that appear to be direct reactions to your hit. Care to comment?

OR: Do you have a question about it or?

ZS: No.

OR: Did you go to journalism school? I’m confused. 

ZS: No, I have a bachelors of science degree in television. 

OR: Oh, sick I guess.

ZS: Why do you keep saying sick?

OR: Like sick, cool? Trendy?

ZS: Did you test COVID negative before driving to New York for this interview?

OR: I did, I am not sick. Do you think saying “sick” is some kind of code for saying that I am currently sick with COVID-19?

ZS: I didn’t say it but you just did. 

OR: Well I don’t actively have COVID.

ZS: Wouldn’t that be convenient though? Sabrina and Joshy start getting the narrative back so you get COVID to get the sympathy?

OR: I am pretty sure I still have all the sympathy. 

ZS: So you admit it!

OR: No, I am just saying. My song is still #1. People are still feeling the emotions of “drivers license.”

ZS: You still haven’t commented on Sabrina Carpenter’s song “Skin.”

OR: You still haven’t asked me about it.

ZS: Ask.

OR: What?

ZS: Ask about it.

OR: That’s not a question? Are you okay?

ZS: No, Olivia, are YOU okay?

OR: Yes! I am great! 

ZS: I know you are, huge fan. But how do you feel about Marjorie Taylor Greene getting stripped of her committee assignments?

OR: Oh, I think it was a good choice for sure. She’s a crazy conspiracy theorist.

ZS: And you aren’t? I mean I have you on the record in this interview saying 9/11 doesn’t exist, lying about having COVID, and that I didn’t grow up with au pairs?

OR: What? Pull the tape? I did not say any of that?

ZS: Really? Then admit that Joshua Bassett’s “Lie Lie Lie” is not about your own 9/11 denialism and Sabrina Carpenter’s “Skin” is about the long haul effects of COVID-19 on people’s skin?

OR: I am not a conspiracy theorist! Would a conspiracy theorist support the Green New Deal? I proved you wrong when you said I am a climate denialist!

ZS: Good point. But, how do I know this isn’t just some ploy to take down your biggest competitor?

OR: I actually care about the environment! I don’t know what you want me to say! 

ZS: Olivia please. If you don’t I will be forced to publish all of this with a comment from her. 

OR: Who? Sabrina Carpenter?

ZS: No.

OR: Millie Bobbie Brown. 

ZS: Greta Thunberg. 

OR: Please, you can’t.

ZS: You leave me with no choice.

OR: But - then people will know that…

ZS: That what?

OR: That…

ZS: That… what Olivia? 

OR: That… I CAN’T SAY IT!

ZS: THAT SHE GHOSTWROTE “DRIVERS LICENSE” AND SHE IS IN A THROUPLE WITH SABRINA CARPENTER AND JOSHUA BASSETT?

OR: PLEASE! YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE!

ZS: YOU HAVE TO OWN UP TO THE TRUTH O,LIVIA!

OR: FINE. I AM THE ONE WHO “DIDN’T MEAN WHAT I WROTE IN THAT SONG ABOUT YOU” BECAUSE IT WASN’T ABOUT ME! IT WAS ABOUT GRETA THUNBERG!

ZS: Perfect. 

OR: Can I go now?

ZS: Yeah but, can I get a ride back to my apartment? I don’t have my driver’s license. 

Please remember that this is all satire and a huge lie so please do not sue me. I am not interested in Disney’s expensive lawyers coming after me. If you happened to enjoy this nonsense, please consider sharing it with your friends.

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Just before Christmas, I got the chance to sit down with one of television’s most prolific creators. Our far-reaching conversation dissects his film adaptation of The Prom, Glee, college life, and so much more. Ryan is a boundary-pushing creative that has expanded the limits of the small-screen to the highest heights. Below is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation.

ZS: Ryan, first and foremost Merry Christmas. It is such a pleasure to get to sit down with you.

RM: Thank you so much for having me!

ZS: I wouldn’t thank me just yet. I should thank you, Glee was a defining part of my personality.

RM: You know, a lot of young queer people tell me that.

ZS: Don’t assume anything about my identity. Glee was a defining part of my personality because it made me evil.

RM: Well isn’t there a little bit of evil in all of us-

ZS: Speaking of evil, I just watched The Prom. A lot of the discourse online has said that The Prom feels like an extended episode of Glee. How do you respond to that?

RM: You know, there surely are parallels about being a queer person in the Midwest unwanted by their community. And the musicality of it has overlap, of course. The Prom felt like an expression of my growing up in the midwest.

ZS: I completely disagree, by the way. I grew up in the Midwest too.

RM: Oh, where?

ZS: I don’t want you having my address.

RM: I’m not asking for your address?

ZS: Back to The Prom, what attracted you to the project?

RM: I mean, I sat in that theatre, and I couldn’t believe the joy I saw on stage-

ZS: So why did you choose to remove all that joy in the adaptation?

RM: Excuse me?

ZS: James Corden is a leading cause of depression in this country. By casting him, you removed all the joy from The Prom.

RM: Very funny, but James-

ZS: You think I’m joking?

RM: James is a wonderful musical talent and he was as drawn to the project as I was.

ZS: I can see why. Moving on, why did you choose to light the film like a gender reveal party?

RM: What?

ZS: The Prom. It was painted in teal and fuchsia relentlessly. What drove this decision?

RM: I wanted to play with the childlike colors of this sort of infantile environment-

ZS: So, you think all lesbians are babies?

RM: What? No?

ZS: I mean... you just gave me the drool-worthy headline of a century: “Ryan Murphy Thinks All Lesbians Are Babies”

RM: Very funny.

ZS: I mean- I know that’s not true. Santana and Brittney were not babies.

RM: I knew you knew that. This interview is all in good fun, right?

ZS: Of course, I am a huge fan after all. I’ve been a fan of yours ever since Nip/Tuck.

RM: Oh wow, I mean that was a long time ago, but I’m proud of the work we did on that show too.

ZS: Did you have to do a lot of research on the world of plastic surgery before working on Nip/Tuck?

RM: Yeah a bit. It’s an interesting world to sink your teeth into because it’s really a lot of necessity rather than-

ZS: Do you think I need to get this taken in?

RM: I’m not sure what you’re referring to.

ZS: This.

RM: I don’t know what “this” is.

ZS: I’m pointing to like the skin under my chin. Not like I am some freak who can’t deal with having a double chin but I’ve never really liked my profile. I wish my jaw was a bit more pronounced you know.

RM: Okay? I mean - if it would make you feel more comfortable.

ZS: I’ve looked into Cool Sculpting. Anyway - let’s talk about the “Ryan Murphy curse.” Maybe people have said that you give up on a show after its first season. I definitely see the decline in many. What do you have to say about that?

RM: I think it’s ridiculous. I have a lot of projects, sure. But I give all of them my equal attention-

ZS: Why do you have so many projects? Why not just focus on each one?

RM: We’re in a golden age of television, there are so many stories to be told through this medium. I mean I love that I can transport you to a haunted hotel, or the Versace mansion. The OJ courtroom is delivered right to your door.

ZS: Is that why you need my address?

RM: What?

ZS: Earlier you asked for my address. Are you trying to deliver the OJ courtroom to my door?

RM: Excuse me?

ZS: Are you trying to deliver like a miniature recreation of the OJ courtroom to my door?

RM: A miniature recreation of the OJ courtroom?

ZS: Right. Like a miniature train set but instead an exact replica of the courtroom where OJ testified.

RM: No. To answer your question I am not sending you a replica of the OJ courtroom.

ZS: What was it like working on The People vs. OJ? Being a white man who decided “I can tackle any subject?”

RM: I think I have a certain amount of fearlessness when it comes to my work. When I was in my overall with FX I really aligned with the tagline of “Fearless.”

ZS: What caused you to swap your overall to Netflix?

RM: I think there was a bit more creative flexibility in terms of episode count, narrative means. I could make films like The Prom and miniseries like Hollywood.

ZS: Totally. Hollywood was insane, by the way.

RM: Thank you?

ZS: You’re welcome. Correct me if I’m wrong- but it feels like all of your work was designed to tap into a different segment of the market? Do you use Netflix’s algorithm to determine what your next show is going to be?

RM: I think there is some influence but no it just goes wherever my mind wanders.

ZS: Hmm, so there is no data-driven approach in your work? You aren’t tracking what I type into Google? Recently I searched, “does my jawline make me look like an incel?” and I couldn’t really find an answer. Will that be in your next show?

RM: Doubtful. I’m a creative first and foremost. I know a lot of Netflix creatives get that question but there really is a lot of liberty.

ZS: Interesting. So, to clarify, Netflix did not ask you to insert the word “throuple” into The Politician hundreds of times an episode for data-reasons?

RM: No, that was primarily a creative decision.

ZS: Liberal use of the word “creative,” but, I’ll allow it. So I heard an anecdote that you were a very upfront intern and that has guided your work as a showrunner. Can you elaborate on this?

RM: I think I’ve always had the same work ethic. Many people change throughout their careers but my principles are the same. I am sure I was considered the annoying PA on set but the annoying PA is the one you remember.

ZS: You do give off annoying PA energy.

RM: I take that as a compliment.

ZS: You should.

RM: Thank you?

ZS: You also give off annoying RA energy.

RM: RA?

ZS: You know, Resident Assistant like in college.

RM: Oh yeah, I actually was never an RA.

ZS: Does a lot of your work stem out of resentment for not going to Tisch?

RM: What?

ZS: I mean, you scream NYU Tisch. ETW or Dramatic Writing if we’re being on the nose. I know that you studied journalism at the University of Indiana, but, do you think you’d be so exceptional if you were just one of many others at NYU Tisch?

RM: I think like the great Nora Ephron-

ZS: Don’t bring Nora into this-

RM: Like the great Nora Ephron, my fiction work is very inspired by my past in journalism. I don’t think I could do something like American Crime Story if I hadn’t cut my teeth in journalism.

ZS: Good answer, but I am really wondering. Do you think you would’ve stood out as a BFA at Tisch?

RM: I really am not sure. I mean remember that I came of age shortly after the height of the AIDS crisis. A lot of my work is owed to men and women who died from a plague-

ZS: That’s a really excellent answer, Ryan, and you are doing a great job convincing me you have empathy, but let’s be honest: You are an NYU Tisch sociopath at your core.

RM: This is ridiculous.

ZS: No- it’s ridiculous you can’t admit this. I mean - why did you send Rachel Berry to NYADA aka AMDA aka SCAMDA? She so obviously should’ve gone to Tisch. It was fictional, you could’ve sent her to CAP21 for god's sake. I really think your Joker origin story or whatever is owed to you not attending NYU Tisch. Your most inspired work, in my humble opinion, is Scream Queens. A work about what? College. Your only work explicitly about college might I add.

RM: I suppose-

ZS: And where was Scream Queens shot? At Tulane. A school where my high school represented 1% of the class of 2018. Did you know that?

RM: Of course I didn’t-

ZS: Ryan, please. I know you did.

RM: What?

ZS: I know you know my home address.

RM: I do not know your home address. I really don’t understand why you keep bringing this up.

ZS: Fine - we can move on. Let’s talk about your repeated work with actresses like Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, Emma Roberts.

RM: Great.

ZS: Let’s play a game with that, shall we?

RM: What? You want me to pick a favorite? I could never pick favorites, Emily Nussbaum already tried to ask me that.

ZS: She unfollowed me on Twitter.

RM: Why would she unfollow you on Twitter?

ZS: She had every right to unfollow me on Twitter. Back to our game-

RM: If I were straight which would I sleep with?

ZS: Why are you trying to guess my game?

RM: I thought I’d play a game with your game.

ZS: This isn’t UCB 401 asswipe. We aren’t doing games on games. I want to play-

RM: Fuck, marry, kill?

ZS: Well. I didn’t say it.

RM: Excuse me?

ZS: I didn’t say it. Fuck, marry...

RM: Kill?

ZS: Exactly.

RM: If I had to pick- I guess I’d marry Sarah. The others I can’t pick.

ZS: That’s not what I’m asking.

RM: Then what are you asking?

ZS: Look, it’s no surprise that your meteoric rise coincided with the disappearance of that plane.

RM: What on earth are you talking about?

ZS: You know what plane I’m talking about.

RM: I only fly private... what are you asking?

ZS: I’m asking where you hid the bodies.

RM: Excuse me?

ZS: Where did you and those actresses hide the bodies?

RM: I really do not know what you are talking about.

ZS: The bodies of those fallen from the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

RM: My rise coincided with a lost flight? What kind of conspiracy is this? Are you some kind of ”Lock Her Up“ idiot?

ZS: No, of course not. I’m obviously With Her and Still Nasty. But I know that you secretly flew the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to Highland Park, Illinois, my hometown, and buried the corpses in the tiny pioneer graveyard behind my backyard with Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, and Emma Roberts.

RM: This is absurd-

ZS: And I know that Connie Britton, and Taissa Farmiga flew the scene because they didn’t want to be forever indebted to you.

RM: So you are saying that the reason that these esteemed actresses continue to work for me is because they had a part in burying the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

ZS: Exactly. And I know that Darren Criss has been waiting in the wrong graveyard ever since that night, desperate to be a part of something. So if he’s your alibi forget it.

RM: What outlet is this piece for? Newsmax?

ZS: It’s for the FBI, Ryan.

RM: What the fuck? I need a lawyer present.

ZS: You need a lawyer present to do an interview for my 45 Substack subscribers?

RM: Is that some FBI lingo.

ZS: It is.

RM: I need a lawyer present.

ZS: You know, for someone as prolific as you are in television, you don’t write many courtroom scenes. People vs. OJ being the exception. Why is that? Are you jealous of David E. Kelley and Aaron Sorkin?

RM: No, I’m not jealous. I just don’t think drama happens in the courtroom.

ZS: It happens outside the courtroom.

RM: Exactly, in the heat of the moment. In the stolen glances. Once something has gotten to the courtroom, it’s all over.

ZS: And that’s why you never went to court for your crimes against humanity.

RM: Exactly.

ZS: Ryan Murphy. You are under arrest.

RM: What? No? I just-

ZS: You owned up to it.

RM: I did not own up to anything- I am not admitting that I hid bodies in the graveyard on Lake Cook Road in Highland Park, Illinois with Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, and Emma Roberts!

ZS: Really? It sounds like you are admitting it. It sounds like that’s why you needed my address all along.

RM: I already KNEW your address. You knew that, and I knew that. I’ll put your body with the rest of them.

ZS: After you rot in prison, Ryan.

RM: What the hell? What about due process? Where are my Miranda rights?

ZS: You have the right to remain silent.

At this point in the interview, we sat in silence for 7 hours.

RM: Fine. I admit it.

ZS: What?

RM: I admit that James Corden was miscast in The Prom.

ZS: Ok, you’re free to go.

Please remember that this is all satire and a huge lie so please do not sue me. I am not interested in Netflix’s expensive lawyers coming after me. If you happened to enjoy this nonsense, please consider sharing it with your friends.

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Before the storm of the holidays, I got the chance to sit down with one of the greatest artists of a generation: Taylor Swift. Our far-reaching conversation covered her sensational latest album, Folklore, its corresponding performance film, the Obama years, and more. Taylor is an earth-shattering delight from the second you see her to your last. Below is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation:

ZS: Taylor, big week for you! How are you doing?

TS: Thank you, yeah, it’s been a lot of fun. I mean the whole thing, Folklore, has been a fun secret to keep. So keeping the film secret was a nice surprise for everyone.

ZS: I wasn’t talking about the documentary...

TS: Oh?

ZS: I was saying big week for you because of Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

TS: I mean, yeah? Sure?

ZS: Are you seeing family this week?

TS: No it’s just gonna be me and Joe.

ZS: Boring. No Dianna Agron?

TS: What?

ZS: Anyway, back to the Long Pond sessions— 

TS: I was just talking about that.

ZS: Well, I wasn’t ready yet.

TS: And suddenly you are ready?

ZS: Yes.

TS: Okay. So am I.

ZS: Thank you, Taylor. So with these Long Pond sessions, how did you get all those cool drone shots of The National’s studio upstate?

TS: What?

ZS: How did you get all those drone shots of the Long Pond studios?

TS: Oh. There was a small crew who worked on the shoot but everyone was tested twice-

ZS: Did anyone test positive?

TS: Is any of this relevant?

ZS: Look, Taylor. We know you’re a big Democrat lesbian now, but to me - you are from the South. The people want to know if you have any of that confederate anti-masker blood still left in you.

TS: I think that’s a gross misunderstanding of people from the South... assuming most of us don’t take the virus seriously…?

ZS: Taylor, I’m just kidding. Let’s talk about the drones.

TS: Well - there was a great crew making sure we could make the film look and sound authentic to the album. There weren’t a ton of people maybe just a handful. The studios are so secluded though we thought those shots were a good way of separating between songs, especially ones that were from Jack and me and then the ones that were Aaron and me.

ZS: Did you support Obama’s continued drone striking throughout his presidency?

TS: What?

ZS: President Obama, Democrat lesbian hero, ordered many drone strikes on Pakistan, Somalia, and Yemen. A total of 563 strikes during his two terms, compared to only 57 strikes under Bush.

TS: I mean, I don’t support drone striking of—

ZS: Is that on the record?

TS: No, I - can we talk about the record?

ZS: Obama’s drone strike record, exactly. That’s what I’m talking about.

TS: No I mean my record, Folklore. The film — 

ZS: Of course. So, the film. You sold this to Disney+, what inspired that decision?

TS: Well, I mean Disney+ has a lot of great music content. I mean, Hamilton, Beyoncé’s new visual album, it felt like a good fit.

ZS: Does Lin have something on you?

TS: What do you mean?

ZS: Does Lin Manuel Miranda have a hit on you?

TS: Like, is Lin Manuel Miranda trying to kill me?

ZS: Yes. Does he have a hit on you? Is he plotting some kind of attack on you? Like a drone strike?

TS: God, no. Can you please stop asking about drone strikes?

ZS: So, you want the headline to be “Pop Diva Taylor Swift Avoids Drone Strike Questions Because She Is Plotting One Against Lin Manuel Miranda?”

TS: That would be an awful headline?

ZS: I will tell you this much, Taylor, people would be thrilled if you killed Lin Manuel Miranda. 

TS: I am not going to kill Lin Manuel Miranda. We even worked on something over 10 years ago for the VMAs. He’s a lovely man, and I respect him a ton. You can put that on the record.

ZS: You want me to pull quote that?

TS: No- I mean you are the journalist. You can pull quote whatever you want, I guess?

ZS: So you see me as a real journalist?

TS: I mean, sure. You’re interviewing me?

ZS: Which brings me back to my important question - why is your film on Disney+? Why did you mention Hamilton?

TS: I mentioned Hamilton because it’s an incredible musical and it’s available to stream on Disney+.

ZS: Totally. Agreed. Now you write your own little musical in Folklore — the high school romance trilogy.

TS: Yeah, you could call it a little musical in itself. It’s got a narrative and it was intended to be theatrical in a way.

ZS: Couldn’t agree more- so if we were staging a production of Augusta/James/Betty the musical, would you want Betty Gilpin to play Betty?

TS: I mean, Betty is a great actress but the actress doesn’t have to be named Betty. When I was in CATS I wasn’t named Bombalurina.

ZS: Don’t be fucking cute with me Taylor, I know that.

TS: Just joking.

ZS: It was funny. Are you upset GLOW was canceled?

TS: Aw, I had no idea! That’s so sad.

ZS: Well, isn’t it your fault in some way?

TS: I don’t think so?

ZS: Well, going back to the Long Pond sessions. 

TS: I’d love that—

ZS: You sold this documentary to Disney+, after putting Miss Americana on Netflix. Why?

TS: I told you, I just thought Disney+ was a great home for the film.

ZS: Interesting, Taylor. But, can’t you see your role in all of this?

TS: I’m not following...

ZS: You, huge, international pop-sensation, sell your documentary to Netflix. Those algorithms are smart, you know. They’re analyzing every pixel on your screen. So someone, let’s say me, watches Miss Americana. I loved it, by the way.

TS: Thank you so much-

ZS: And Netflix on the backend is analyzing for Blonde content, girlboss content, bangs content, sexual situations without any actual explicit content... you see where I’m going.

TS: Not exactly?

ZS: What I’m saying is if Folklore were on Netflix, GLOW would be the natural next choice in Netflix’s algorithm. You selling it to Disney+... now GLOW’s audience of people who liked blondes and people who like bangs has vanished. Boom. Netflix cancels GLOW. 

TS: I don’t really follow your logic.

ZS: Can you really not take any responsibility for this?

TS: I think the next thing in the queue would be some sort of music content, not something explicitly based on my hairstyle.

ZS: Which I love, by the way.

TS: Thank you.

ZS: So, back to the interview-

TS: Did we stop the interview?

ZS: I’m really interested in interrogating why you sold your film to Disney+.

TS: Look, we can talk about this forever but -

ZS: Are you Minnie Mouse?

TS: What?

ZS: Are you, Taylor Swift, Minnie Mouse?

TS: No. I’m not.

ZS: Can you give me any hard evidence? I have never seen you and Minnie Mouse in the same space.

TS: You know Minnie Mouse is a fictional character, right?

ZS: Yes, but who knows you don’t play her at Disneyworld. You could. You’re very secretive. Maybe it’s the perfect disguise. 

TS: What’s next, you saying Joe is Mickey Mouse?

ZS: Joe is not a Mickey.

TS: What?

ZS: Joe obviously plays Stitch.

TS: Stitch?

ZS: You know, from Lilo and Stitch?

TS: You think my Joe, Joe Alwyn, plays Stitch in costume at Disneyworld?

ZS: So you’re confirming it? Can we get that on the record?

TS: This is ridiculous. 

ZS: Let’s move on. Where were you when RBG died?

TS: I was at my house in LA. There was a weird energy in the air that week. I knew something was happening. You know, my heart just immediately sank.

ZS: Is that your alibi?

TS: What?

ZS: Is that your alibi? That you were in LA when RBG died?

TS: Are you accusing me of murdering Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

ZS: No, not at all. But do you have an alibi?

TS: Zach, she was not murdered. She died from cancer.

ZS: You don’t have to be crude about Taylor. And - there was not an autopsy. We don’t know how she died. 

TS: What are you saying? You cannot accuse me of killing Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

ZS: I’m not- but wouldn’t that be a story if you did?

TS: Sure, but-

ZS: So you want that on the record? That it would be interesting if you killed Ruth Badger Ginsburg?

TS: I am ending this interview-

ZS: Taylor! I’m kidding! You have to get the joke. So, let’s get to the real reason I asked about the late justice, were you approached to replace RBG on the highest court in the land?

TS: What? No? And even if I was, I wouldn’t accept anything from President Trump.

ZS: Okay but if you were approached by President-Elect Joe Biden, would you?

TS: I am not a lawyer? Or a judge? I mean, sure, I’d be honored, but I am not interested-

ZS: I can imagine it now. Every dissent ends with “I’ve got a blank space, and I’ll write your name: Clarence Thomas”

TS: Literally, what are you saying?

ZS: Rename it the Swiftreme Court.

TS: That’s cute.

ZS: So you want that on the record? That you’d rename it the Swiftreme Court if you were nominated and confirmed?

TS: No! Can you please stop!

ZS: Look, all I’m saying is if you were on the Supreme Court you’d have a chance to clear your record about Obama’s drone strikes. 

TS: Enough with the drone strikes!

ZS: So on the record? You’re done with the drone strikes? Enough with the drone strikes?

TS: Sure, just, please-

ZS: Look, Taylor. We know how secretive you are. No one knew a peep about Folklore. You’ve got this pseudonym for Joe when he writes songs for you. You’ve got this obsession with the number 13, right?

TS: Yes.

ZS: How are we supposed to believe this isn’t some rouse? That the number 13... is not one of the nuclear codes?

TS: What the fuck?

ZS: Taylor, we get it, you swear now. But you don’t have to swear in our interview.

TS: Why you gotta-

ZS: Be so mean? I’m not. I am an investigative journalist. And I want to answer the question here and now. Is the number 13 your nuclear code?

TS: There’s more than one nuclear code.

ZS: So you’re on the record saying you have the nuclear codes?

TS: This is ridiculous. Are we-

ZS: Out of the woods? No. You need to own up to whether or not you are involved with the United States nuclear program.

TS: I am not answering any more questions.

ZS: Well I’m not unlocking the doors to this room if you don’t answer this question.

TS: You need to-

ZS: Calm down? I won’t. Every interview with you is a fluff piece. Maybe Kanye interrupted you because HE KNEW about the nuclear codes?

TS: YOU DON’T GET TO BRING KANYE UP.

At this point in the interview, Taylor grabbed a briefcase, opened it up, and blew up the entire earth with her nuclear codes. If you are reading this you are a Twinkie or a cockroach that can survive a nuclear apocalypse. Congratulations. 

TS: Look what you made me do.

Missed my interview with the Governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer? Read here:

Q&A WITH GOV. WHITMER

Please, for the love of god, don’t sue me for these fake interviews. But please, for the love of god, share these interviews if you are not interested in suing me.

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As Governor Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan’s national star continues to rise, I sat down with the heir to the Blue Cross Blue Shield fortune in her East Lansing home to discuss The Great Lakes State, skincare, and La La Land. She’s a commanding presence with a unique softness and other paradoxes that we say about female politicians. Below is the lightly edited transcript of our conversation:

ZS: Hello, Governor. I love your mask. 

GW: Hi, Zach! Thank you so much for having me. Thank you, it’s Vera Wang. It actually used to be part of a wedding dress.

ZS: Wonderful. So, you were a final contender for the Veepstakes; how did it feel watching Kamala Harris make history in a job you interviewed for?

GW: You know, Kamala is a friend of mine, and I was thrilled to watch her make history, or should I say… herstory, as the first female Vice President. As well as the first Black and Asian vice president!. And my congratulations go out to Doug Emhoff, the first-second man!

ZS: He's Jewish. Like me. Are you drawing attention to the fact that I'm Jewish, Gretchen?

GW: No - I'm- 

ZS: Anyway, you didn't answer my question. Were you jealous because you almost got this job? I almost got an internship at UTA, and I was jealous of my friend from high school who ended up working there. But, ultimately, I'm glad I don't work at an agency. 

GW: No. I said I was thrilled to watch her. I am committed to the state of Michigan.

ZS: If you are so committed to the state of Michigan, how come it broke in two?

GW: What?

ZS: The state of Michigan, have you seen it on a map? It broke in two.

GW: Well, yes, there's the upper peninsula and the lower peninsula. Back in the 19th century, there was a land dispute between Michigan and Ohio. In 1835 it caused the Toledo War. Ohioans and Michiganders fought over a 468-square-mile strip of land — called the Toledo Strip — that each state believed was its land.

ZS: Do you support sending more troops into the Toldeo war?

GW: What? No, this took place in 1835.

ZS: And why haven't you ended it as Governor?

GW: It's been settled for two centuries, Zach. That's why we have the upper and lower peninsula. The upper peninsula was a consolation for the state of Michigan after losing the Toldeo strip.

ZS: Can you do math, Governor? 2020 minus 1835 does not equal two hundred. That's not two centuries. 

GW: Fine- 185 years if you are splitting hairs.

ZS: You have great hair.

GW: Thank you- so do you.

ZS: I'm actually really self-conscious about it. I have considered doing like Hims or Nutrafol to prevent losing it, but it either ends up being so expensive, or the side effects they list are really scary. 

GW: Do you think you're losing your hair?

ZS: I mean, I shed a lot in the shower, and I have a weird cowlick that has always looked weird. I don't have a ton of conclusive evidence that I'm losing it, but like - I am 24, and my dad is completely bald, and I just get scared. I would never want to be bald. 

GW: You might look good bald.

ZS: Don't pander to me, Governor. Speaking of side effects - my health insurance is from your family's fortune? Will you give me free insurance?

GW: Oh - you have Blue Cross Blue Shield?

ZS: Yes. PPO for BCBS of IL. 

GW: Nice.

ZS: Do you want my group number? I'm on my dad's insurance.

GW: Well, you can thank the affordable care act for the fact that you're still on it! 

ZS: Please, Gretchen, I am sure your dad hates the ACA.

GW: That's not true. He doesn't, and I don't. I expanded Medicaid to over 800,000 Michiganders.

ZS: Do you support Medicare for All?

GW: No, I-

ZS: Because daddy wouldn't wet you?

GW: Daddy wouldn't wet me?

ZS: Daddy wouldn't wet you.

GW: Daddy wouldn't wet me?

ZS: Yes, because Daddy wouldn't wet you.

GW: Zach, I don't understand what you are saying. 

ZS: I'm doing like- a baby voice. 

GW: Oh.

ZS: Yep.

GW: How much longer is this gonna go?

ZS: You gave me three hours.

GW: Wait- no, I didn't.

ZS: Part of this interview was us watching La La Land together and you giving me your thoughts.

GW: How is that relevant to the interview?

ZS: The people of Michigan want to know what you thought of La La Land.

GW: Can't you ask Gavin Newsom that?

ZS: No, he's fugly.

GW: Well, you're right there.

ZS: What's your skincare routine? You're glowing.

GW: Um, thank you. I use mostly CeraVe products; I'd be lying if I didn't splurge for some Erno Lazlo under eye cream to keep me looking refreshed. I use a Peter Thomas Roth facial cleanser that's pretty harsh, but I steam my face afterward-

ZS: Actually, I don't give a shit. What did you think of this year's senior welcome?

GW: What?

ZS: The University of Michigan's Musical Theatre class of 2021 senior welcome? 

GW: Oh - I haven't seen it yet, but I am tremendously proud of the University of Michigan, and it's incredible arts programs. You know our public colleges and universities in Michigan are top-notch-

ZS: Did you even know that Mich has the best musical theatre program in the country?

GW: Of course, I did.

ZS: Name some alumni.

GW: I-

ZS: Do it.

GW: Is this really relevant?

ZS: If you can't name the most famous musical theatre alumni from the University of Michigan how can the people of Michigan trust you to be their Governor? 

GW: Because I'm a mom. I'm a lawyer. I'm a lifelong Michigander. I care about this state, and it's people-

ZS: No, you fucking don't, Gretchen. Drop the act. Can you even name who played your namesake GRETCHEN WEINERS in Mean Girls the musical? 

GW: The character Gretchen Weiners was not named after me; it just happens to be close. 

ZS: The world doesn't revolve around you, Gretch- I know Gretchen Weiners wasn't named after you. Her dad invented toaster strudel; your dad invented price gouging for EpiPens.

GW: That's also not true-

ZS: Who played Gretchen in Mean Girls the musical?

GW: I am not answering this question.

ZS: I'll give you one hint. She was in Emily in Paris.

GW: I haven't gotten around to watching that yet.

ZS: Are you joking? Everyone has watched Emily in Paris.

GW: I have been a little busy helping Joe Biden win back the state of Michigan and win the White House!

ZS: Look, I phone banked too, Govna'. Who played Gretchen in Mean Girls the musical? 

GW: FINE! KYRYSTINA ALABADO!

ZS: SHE WAS THE REPLACEMENT? WHICH UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN BFA MUSICAL THEATRE ALUM ORIGINATED THE ROLE OF GRETCHEN ON BROADWAY?

GW: I DON'T KNOW!

ZS: Well, this is why those QAnon psychos fucking wanted to kidnap you, Gretchen. Not because of your mask mandate, not because of Trump. But because they knew the TRUTH! They knew that YOU CANNOT NAME A SINGLE ALUM OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN DEPARTMENT OF MUSICAL THEATRE!

GW: This is ridiculous - I'm leaving.

ZS: Nope. The doors are locked. You thought the FBI foiled the kidnapping plot? Gretch, it just started. Name the alumni.

GW: Oh my god, you're going to go to prison for this. You're a monster. You're going to go to Guantanamo for this.

ZS: This can all be over if you do one simple task. Name the alumni.

GW: I won't.

ZS: You must.

GW: I won't.

ZS: You wanna starve to death?

The interview took a 5-day pause here. 

ZS: Well, well, well, have you figured out the names?

GW: Please. I'm starving. I can barely breathe. These could be my last words.

ZS: Make them count.

GW: FINE! ASHLEY PARK PLAYED GRETCHEN WEINERS! ERIKA HENNINGSEN AND TAYLOR LOUDERMAN, TOO. SOLEA PFEIFFER. HUNTER FOSTER. STEPHANIE STYLES. ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI. ISABELLE MCALLA. ALL THREE OF THE KENAN BOLGER SIBLINGS. 

ZS: I KNEW YOU KNEW IT! BUT YOU'RE MISSING TWO IMPORTANT ONES!

GW: WHO?

ZS: WHAT MOVIE DID I WANT US TO WATCH?

GW: LA LA LA LAND?

ZS: YES- 

GW: BENJ PASEK AND JUSTIN PAUL. THEY WROTE THE SONGS. PLEASE LET ME OUT OF HERE!

ZS: Only if you admit one final thing. Is this why you brought up the battle of Toledo? Is this why you hate Ohio so much? Because Ohio has Cincinnati Conservatory of Music and Baldwin Wallace. Both have outstanding musical theatre programs that are rising on U of M? YOU'RE SCARED FOR THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND THE QUALITY OF ITS MUSICAL THEATRE PROGRAM! ADMIT IT!

Gretchen Whitmer died before she could answer this question.

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Share Zach Schiffman's Most Fascinating People

Well, well, well. I vowed to never start a newsletter, but suddenly I'm on an Adderall prescription, and my life is completely different. Pretty sure that movie about Bradley Cooper taking a magical pill that changes his life was about him starting a Substack. If controversial journalists like Matthew Yglesias (The Weeds' king of uptalk) and Glenn Greenwald (most intimidating man named Glenn out there) can find a home on Substack, so can I. 

In this newsletter, I plan on doing one important thing: releasing unedited and completely fake interviews with the most interesting people in the world. Growing up, my favorite thing to do in the shower was to pretend that Barbara Walters was interviewing me. I dreamed of getting to sit across from her at the end of the year, getting to be one of the year's most fascinating people. Well - she ended that program in 2015 and never sat down with me. So, I'm taking it into my own hands. Twice a month (hopefully), I will release the transcripts from my interviews with the people I find most mesmerizing. 

If you are wondering how I have such unprecedented access to the world's elite? It's because I don't, and this is all 100% fake, and no one should sue me for this. My mom is a (divorce) lawyer, so don't even try.

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