Governor Gretchen Whitmer

I sat down with the heir to the Blue Cross Blue Shield fortune in her East Lansing home to discuss The Great Lakes State, skincare, and La La Land.

As Governor Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan’s national star continues to rise, I sat down with the heir to the Blue Cross Blue Shield fortune in her East Lansing home to discuss The Great Lakes State, skincare, and La La Land. She’s a commanding presence with a unique softness and other paradoxes that we say about female politicians. Below is the lightly edited transcript of our conversation:

ZS: Hello, Governor. I love your mask. 

GW: Hi, Zach! Thank you so much for having me. Thank you, it’s Vera Wang. It actually used to be part of a wedding dress.

ZS: Wonderful. So, you were a final contender for the Veepstakes; how did it feel watching Kamala Harris make history in a job you interviewed for?

GW: You know, Kamala is a friend of mine, and I was thrilled to watch her make history, or should I say… herstory, as the first female Vice President. As well as the first Black and Asian vice president!. And my congratulations go out to Doug Emhoff, the first-second man!

ZS: He's Jewish. Like me. Are you drawing attention to the fact that I'm Jewish, Gretchen?

GW: No - I'm- 

ZS: Anyway, you didn't answer my question. Were you jealous because you almost got this job? I almost got an internship at UTA, and I was jealous of my friend from high school who ended up working there. But, ultimately, I'm glad I don't work at an agency. 

GW: No. I said I was thrilled to watch her. I am committed to the state of Michigan.

ZS: If you are so committed to the state of Michigan, how come it broke in two?

GW: What?

ZS: The state of Michigan, have you seen it on a map? It broke in two.

GW: Well, yes, there's the upper peninsula and the lower peninsula. Back in the 19th century, there was a land dispute between Michigan and Ohio. In 1835 it caused the Toledo War. Ohioans and Michiganders fought over a 468-square-mile strip of land — called the Toledo Strip — that each state believed was its land.

ZS: Do you support sending more troops into the Toldeo war?

GW: What? No, this took place in 1835.

ZS: And why haven't you ended it as Governor?

GW: It's been settled for two centuries, Zach. That's why we have the upper and lower peninsula. The upper peninsula was a consolation for the state of Michigan after losing the Toldeo strip.

ZS: Can you do math, Governor? 2020 minus 1835 does not equal two hundred. That's not two centuries. 

GW: Fine- 185 years if you are splitting hairs.

ZS: You have great hair.

GW: Thank you- so do you.

ZS: I'm actually really self-conscious about it. I have considered doing like Hims or Nutrafol to prevent losing it, but it either ends up being so expensive, or the side effects they list are really scary. 

GW: Do you think you're losing your hair?

ZS: I mean, I shed a lot in the shower, and I have a weird cowlick that has always looked weird. I don't have a ton of conclusive evidence that I'm losing it, but like - I am 24, and my dad is completely bald, and I just get scared. I would never want to be bald. 

GW: You might look good bald.

ZS: Don't pander to me, Governor. Speaking of side effects - my health insurance is from your family's fortune? Will you give me free insurance?

GW: Oh - you have Blue Cross Blue Shield?

ZS: Yes. PPO for BCBS of IL. 

GW: Nice.

ZS: Do you want my group number? I'm on my dad's insurance.

GW: Well, you can thank the affordable care act for the fact that you're still on it! 

ZS: Please, Gretchen, I am sure your dad hates the ACA.

GW: That's not true. He doesn't, and I don't. I expanded Medicaid to over 800,000 Michiganders.

ZS: Do you support Medicare for All?

GW: No, I-

ZS: Because daddy wouldn't wet you?

GW: Daddy wouldn't wet me?

ZS: Daddy wouldn't wet you.

GW: Daddy wouldn't wet me?

ZS: Yes, because Daddy wouldn't wet you.

GW: Zach, I don't understand what you are saying. 

ZS: I'm doing like- a baby voice. 

GW: Oh.

ZS: Yep.

GW: How much longer is this gonna go?

ZS: You gave me three hours.

GW: Wait- no, I didn't.

ZS: Part of this interview was us watching La La Land together and you giving me your thoughts.

GW: How is that relevant to the interview?

ZS: The people of Michigan want to know what you thought of La La Land.

GW: Can't you ask Gavin Newsom that?

ZS: No, he's fugly.

GW: Well, you're right there.

ZS: What's your skincare routine? You're glowing.

GW: Um, thank you. I use mostly CeraVe products; I'd be lying if I didn't splurge for some Erno Lazlo under eye cream to keep me looking refreshed. I use a Peter Thomas Roth facial cleanser that's pretty harsh, but I steam my face afterward-

ZS: Actually, I don't give a shit. What did you think of this year's senior welcome?

GW: What?

ZS: The University of Michigan's Musical Theatre class of 2021 senior welcome? 

GW: Oh - I haven't seen it yet, but I am tremendously proud of the University of Michigan, and it's incredible arts programs. You know our public colleges and universities in Michigan are top-notch-

ZS: Did you even know that Mich has the best musical theatre program in the country?

GW: Of course, I did.

ZS: Name some alumni.

GW: I-

ZS: Do it.

GW: Is this really relevant?

ZS: If you can't name the most famous musical theatre alumni from the University of Michigan how can the people of Michigan trust you to be their Governor? 

GW: Because I'm a mom. I'm a lawyer. I'm a lifelong Michigander. I care about this state, and it's people-

ZS: No, you fucking don't, Gretchen. Drop the act. Can you even name who played your namesake GRETCHEN WEINERS in Mean Girls the musical? 

GW: The character Gretchen Weiners was not named after me; it just happens to be close. 

ZS: The world doesn't revolve around you, Gretch- I know Gretchen Weiners wasn't named after you. Her dad invented toaster strudel; your dad invented price gouging for EpiPens.

GW: That's also not true-

ZS: Who played Gretchen in Mean Girls the musical?

GW: I am not answering this question.

ZS: I'll give you one hint. She was in Emily in Paris.

GW: I haven't gotten around to watching that yet.

ZS: Are you joking? Everyone has watched Emily in Paris.

GW: I have been a little busy helping Joe Biden win back the state of Michigan and win the White House!

ZS: Look, I phone banked too, Govna'. Who played Gretchen in Mean Girls the musical? 

GW: FINE! KYRYSTINA ALABADO!

ZS: SHE WAS THE REPLACEMENT? WHICH UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN BFA MUSICAL THEATRE ALUM ORIGINATED THE ROLE OF GRETCHEN ON BROADWAY?

GW: I DON'T KNOW!

ZS: Well, this is why those QAnon psychos fucking wanted to kidnap you, Gretchen. Not because of your mask mandate, not because of Trump. But because they knew the TRUTH! They knew that YOU CANNOT NAME A SINGLE ALUM OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN DEPARTMENT OF MUSICAL THEATRE!

GW: This is ridiculous - I'm leaving.

ZS: Nope. The doors are locked. You thought the FBI foiled the kidnapping plot? Gretch, it just started. Name the alumni.

GW: Oh my god, you're going to go to prison for this. You're a monster. You're going to go to Guantanamo for this.

ZS: This can all be over if you do one simple task. Name the alumni.

GW: I won't.

ZS: You must.

GW: I won't.

ZS: You wanna starve to death?

The interview took a 5-day pause here. 

ZS: Well, well, well, have you figured out the names?

GW: Please. I'm starving. I can barely breathe. These could be my last words.

ZS: Make them count.

GW: FINE! ASHLEY PARK PLAYED GRETCHEN WEINERS! ERIKA HENNINGSEN AND TAYLOR LOUDERMAN, TOO. SOLEA PFEIFFER. HUNTER FOSTER. STEPHANIE STYLES. ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI. ISABELLE MCALLA. ALL THREE OF THE KENAN BOLGER SIBLINGS. 

ZS: I KNEW YOU KNEW IT! BUT YOU'RE MISSING TWO IMPORTANT ONES!

GW: WHO?

ZS: WHAT MOVIE DID I WANT US TO WATCH?

GW: LA LA LA LAND?

ZS: YES- 

GW: BENJ PASEK AND JUSTIN PAUL. THEY WROTE THE SONGS. PLEASE LET ME OUT OF HERE!

ZS: Only if you admit one final thing. Is this why you brought up the battle of Toledo? Is this why you hate Ohio so much? Because Ohio has Cincinnati Conservatory of Music and Baldwin Wallace. Both have outstanding musical theatre programs that are rising on U of M? YOU'RE SCARED FOR THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND THE QUALITY OF ITS MUSICAL THEATRE PROGRAM! ADMIT IT!

Gretchen Whitmer died before she could answer this question.

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